For those of you who have never ridden the DC Metro, or just have no idea how to and are constantly getting mean looks, cursed at, and bumped into, I have compiled a little "how-to" including tips on how to ride the labyrinth nightmare that is the DC Metro. Sure, one could argue that our system here is nothing compared to that of Paris or New York, but they all are born and bred how to ride the underground transit systems, and it is very apparent that we here in the DMV area, were not. So here is my list for all of you to use and share with your peers:
1. Never ride during rush hour unless it is absolutely necessary. You are going to encounter the everyday riders who don't have time for your stupid sh*t. Most of them have not had enough coffee to be polite to their fellow humans, and can become angry at an accelerated rate due to the lack of knowledge one must possess to ride during rush hour. The best times to ride on the week days are from 10AM to 4:30PM, and then from 6:00PM until the last train leaves the station. Avoid the metro at all costs between the hours of 7AM to 10AM and 4:30 to 6PM.
2. When exiting the train get out of the way. The last thing you want to do is exit the car, come to a dead stop and either get shoved out of the way or yelled at. I've seen both happen to innocent tourists who wanted to step one step off the car and look around. This is the worst possible idea. When you are exiting a train car, get off the car and walk as far away from the car as you can. Walk to the middle of the platform or get up against a column, a wall, or anything else you can put your back against. Then, and only then, should you consult your phone, map, or look around to figure out where you are going next. Failing to do this will result in having many people run into you, shoving you out of the way, and yelling at you.
3. Stand right, walk left. Stand right, walk left. STAND RIGHT, WALK LEFT. I cannot stress this enough.
4. If you have rolling luggage or any kind of big bulky luggage accompanying you on your Metro trip, keep it as close to your body as possible. Not only for the fear of it getting stolen, but because if you have your big bulky bag on the floor in the middle of everything, it will get stepped on and tripped over. The last thing you want to do is trip a regular Metro rider, trust me. When getting on an escalator with your luggage, always put the luggage on the stair in front of you, and stand behind it. DO NOT put it next to you and block the entire escalator, you will get yelled at.
5. If you are claustrophobic, consider another form of transportation. Trying to take up two seats because you can't have someone sit next to you because you're claustrophobic will not fly.
6. Do not put your bag on the seat next to you and block a seat. Someone will walk up and sit on your bag or demand that you move it.
7. Keep cell phone usage to a minimum or speak very softly. No one wants to hear your conversation about how your 'roids have returned. Plus, it's bad manners to talk incredibly loud on the Metro because not everyone wants to hear your conversation. Than again, it's bad manners to talk loudly anywhere besides outdoors.
8. If you decide to ride during a time of high traffic and get stuck near the door, please remember that you may have to step off the train so people can unload when it is not your stop. Blocking the door's is a major no-no and if people are trying to get off but you're blocking them, just simply step off and to the side where the other people are waiting to get on, let the people off, and then step back in. Simple as that. If you don't you will get yelled at or shoved out of the way.
9. Again, if you decide to ride during high traffic and you're going to be on for awhile, board the train and move towards the center of the car. Do not stand near the doors if you have 6 stops to go. Get on the train, get to the center and either find a seat or stand.
10. If someone bumps into you and you are following all of the rules and tips above, let it go. I get bumped into all the time when walking because people are dumber than rocks and can't seem to walk in a straight line or stay with the flow of people. If this happens, and unless they don't throw you into a wall or onto the tracks, let it go. As Chris Rock said: "If someone steps on your foot, let it slide. Why spend the next 20 years in jail cause someone smudged your Puma?"
11. Never depend on the station managers to be helpful, in the station manager office, or polite. Go to the WMATA website and calculate your fare, what stop you need to get off on, and any other inquires you might have.
12. Try not to carry much cash and don't have your nice new portable electronics out while you're riding during a low volume time. Your risk of getting robbed goes way up when there aren't that many people around.
I hope that you have all found my tips and rules helpful. Maybe you learned something new, or maybe you're sitting there thinking to yourself "holy sh*t, people are really this stupid?" The answer is yes, yes they are. The recent influx of Cherry Blossom tourists has really been riding my last nerve, as well as everyone else. If there is only one tip that I hope you take away from this entry, it's this: stand right, walk left.
xoxo
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